


Professor Muggle and the Lost Witch

by Beene



Series: The Professor Muggle Series [5]
Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-27
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:29:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beene/pseuds/Beene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On his honeymoon Professor Muggle visits New Orleans, and things seem fine. After returning to the UK, things change; Muggle Studies professors are missing. Aurors Potter and Weasley, Draco Malfoy and Hank's friends help out; can Hank teach, stay married and find them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Sorcière Perdue

**Chapter 1:  The Sorcière Perdue**

_August 2006_

 

The night was hot as hell, humid too, but I really didn’t care.  After two years in England and Scotland I was back in America, standing outside a bar on Bourbon Street, mostly inebriated, and it had been a damn good day.  Ok, I was leaning on the wall because I was positive I couldn’t stay upright without some assistance.  Sure, for most of the day my shirt looked like I could take it off and wring it out, a slightly scary woman tried to get me to have my palm read and had a hard time believing I wasn’t interested and Melody had almost thrown up when she tried fried alligator, but it had been a damned good day.  We’d stopped by the Laveau School, the New Orleans version of Hogwarts, and spoken with their headmaster about my Muggle Studies text.  Ok, they didn’t call her headmaster or headmistress like at Hogwarts, but it was the same thing.  Since I’d had that fourth or twenty-eighth Hurricane the words didn’t really come easily, as they’d told me what her title was, but I really wasn’t remembering it at the moment.  Shit, I couldn’t even remember her name.  Whatever her title was she was really excited about my Muggle Studies textbook so I was batting a thousand for the day.  Tomorrow was the book signing for _My Wand is Useless_ , my book about living as a mostly-Muggle in the Wizarding world, and initial American sales had been good, so why not have a few too many?  I was waiting for Melody to come out of the loo, wondering if I could get away with bumming a cigarette off the nearby kid with the dreadlocks when a very young and very slightly dressed woman walked by with some other people, stopped, and then turned back to look at me.  She waved at her friends to go on ahead and then walked over to me, stopping very closely, in what would definitely be an imposition of personal space regardless of country or culture.

“I never thought I’d see you here, of all places.” 

Her accent was thick with the “Southern Honey” as my Gran used to say.  I’d never seen this woman, girl actually, in my life.  I had no idea who she was, so I went along with it.  “Yeah.  Me neither.”

She laughed and shook her head.  “I loved your book.  My mama bought it for me for Christmas.  Those British kids really pulled some good ones on ya.”

It suddenly dawned on me, even through the haze, that the girl wasn’t a Muggle.  “Oh thank God, I thought…”

The girl laughed, and put her hand on my shoulder.  “Oh don’t worry, I won’t say anything…”

“Say anything about what?”  Melody looked at the girl, then me, and then back at the girl.

The girl shook her head.  “It ain’t like that.  I expect I’ll see you two tomorrow, at the signing.  And for the record, I don’t think it’s useless.”  As I wobbled unsteadily the girl looked over to Melody.  “Well, it might be tonight.  Y’all have a good night.”

As the girl walked down the street I took off my glasses, and after seeing Melody’s face I couldn’t do anything but laugh.  “You thought…”  I laughed some more, and Melody wasn’t pleased.  “Come on, Mel, let’s go back to the hotel.  I need one of your…”

Melody put her hand over my mouth.  When I’d stopped trying to speak she took my arm and started walking towards the hotel.  I felt pretty good about her guiding me until she almost walked into a wrought-iron fence, and eventually we poured ourselves into the hotel room.  I think I drank a hangover potion that night, I’m still not sure.

 

-ooo-

 

The next morning, when the sun was streaming in way too many colors of bright through the window I definitely needed a hangover potion, and I was only starting to feel the effects when Melody stumbled out of bed, walked to the table and downed two of the potions.  I sat at the small table in my boxer shorts and opened the window to try and let some air into the room.  The fact that we were staying in an old hotel that didn’t have air conditioning wasn’t bad in the mornings, but in the afternoon it was like a sauna.

“Come on, Mel.  Let’s take a shower and go get some breakfast.  I need some more of that coffee.”

She flipped her bangs over her head, and with one eye shut she looked at me and managed to roll the only open eye.  “Merlin’s pants, Hank.  Do I have to go today?  I did the last signing with you.”  She sat on the bed and put her hand to her face, feeling it like she had to make sure she still had skin or something.

“That was four, um, five days ago in Maine.  Besides, your publisher said it was good for _Witch Weekly_.  Raises American awareness or something.  Come on.  Let’s get in the shower, I’m hungry.”

Something between a groan and a moan escaped Melody’s lips.  “All right, then.  You go first.”

“The hell with first.  Come on.”  I raised my eyebrows at her and she threw a pillow at me.  “Hey, we’re on our honeymoon.  You have the rest of your life to have a headache.”

“You are horrible.  Won’t work, anyway.  The shower in there is so small my arse wouldn’t fit in there along with your gut.  And remind me again why we’re staying in this wonderful establishment?”

“Ian, remember?” 

Ian Coswock, my book agent, had booked the hotels for the big three stopovers on the honeymoon book tour/school visit, and he’d picked a doozy.  The Vanishing Spectre was an old wizarding hotel in a part of the French Quarter that didn’t exist on a map.  In fact, if you didn’t know the exact way to get there you would never find it, as you had to stand at a certain point in the Quarter facing a certain direction and say a certain phrase before the entrance would appear.  How that all worked I had no idea, but then again I’m Professor Muggle, Muggle Studies professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Britain, so how wizarding New Orleans works is beyond me.  Hell, I didn’t even know I was mostly a Muggle until I was in the UK, and even then I’m only 1.3% wizard.  Not like I’m going to understand the dimensional temporal whatsiwhoozits and charm boundaries and whatever theoretical time and space compression spell witches and wizards do to make it happen, I just know that it happens. 

Melody fell back on the bed and put an arm across her eyes.  “There has to be a better agent.”

I went over and picked up one of her feet and began to ever so slowly pull her off of the bed.  “We could get beignets…”

She gently kicked her foot out of my hand.  “All right, then.  Just leave me alone for another ten minutes.”

 

-ooo-

 

After we’d had our chicory coffee and beignets Melody and I sat at the table reading our newspapers, definitely the picture of madly in love newlyweds.  I read the local Muggle newspaper while Melody read the local wizarding newspaper, making sure to hide the moving pictures when our waitress came by to refill our coffee.  I was amazed at the amount of devastation that still remained in the wake of Hurricane Katrina; the French Quarter was slowly getting back on its feet, and it was the same in the magical community as well.  Slow progress with a determination to stay in New Orleans.  I felt honored as I was to be the first author to hold a book signing in the magical bookstore, and I had sent word to Ian that I wanted the money that the store had sent over to have me in their shop to be donated to the relief efforts. 

Melody folded her newspaper and sat her coffee cup on top of it.  “What’s the schedule for today?”

“Bookstore at one, then we have the very late check out at the hotel at four, dinner somewhere and then we hit the road and head north.  I don’t expect we’ll make it that far tonight, maybe just to Tennessee or Missouri.  It’ll take us a day or two to make it to Minnesota.  We’re not due there until Friday anyway, so we don’t have to push very hard.”

“Why did I agree to this?  Tell me again?”  She put her elbows on the table and sat her chin in her hands.  “I hate that car.  Takes too long to get anywhere, you never put the top up so my hair is always a mess and it’s so bloody loud.”

“It’s a road trip, Mel.  Think of how much of the country you’ve seen already, and that’s just been the first part of the trip.  I know it doesn’t…it’s a classic Jaguar convertible.  Have you seen how people react when they see it?  How many times have people come over and talked to us when I get gas?  Tons.  It’s a thing of beauty.”

“You sound like the Harpies talking about their brooms, another thing I don’t understand.”  She looked at her watch.  “Let’s go, I want to get this over with.  The last one was sort of embarrassing.”

I laughed at that, as she was right.  The first book signing went well as I’d sold a lot of books and signed a lot of copies, but there was also a question and answer period that had been scheduled, and I hadn’t been aware that was happening.  I’d managed to answer the initial questions, which were fairly innocuous, but then one woman started asking about the wedding, and the stories she’d heard about me and a group of professional athletes.  I did pretty well on that one, but then she followed my answer up with a question asking Melody if it was true that she had to duel another witch to be able to date me.  Somehow or another it seemed that the crazy stories from _The Daily Prophet_ had made their way over to America, specifically the UMS or United Magical States, and then the tabloid questions started flowing.  Luckily I was saved by my watch, as we had to make our next appointment.  I didn’t tell anyone that our next appointment was actually going back to the hotel room, turning on the TV and ordering room service, I just wanted to get out of there.

I looked over at her and she was thoroughly not excited.  “I don’t think it’ll be like that.  I’ll tell whoever’s running the show that I don’t have time for Q&A, how’s that?”

“Wonderful.”

 

-ooo-

 

Luckily the signing went well, none of the Q&A session like before.  When the young woman from Bourbon Street showed up with her mother I wrote “Thanks for getting me in trouble on my honeymoon” in a copy of _My Wand is Useless_ and handed it to her.  She was surprised, as she already had the book and didn’t bring one over to be signed, but I told her it was the least I could do as I’d be able to get a few free drinks off of the story.  After that it was a quick trip back to the hotel, the normal rush of packing and we were off.

After convincing Melody that it’s just not proper to take a classic Jaguar through the drive-through lane at a fast food restaurant we ended driving out of New Orleans and wound up at a local place.  She wasn’t too impressed with the building, but I saw enough pickup trucks and cars outside to guess that it was the place that the locals frequented, not the tourists.  Luckily I was right, and after Melody had a bite of the fried Cajun boudin balls I didn’t hear another word about the plastic red and white checkerboard tablecloth or the paper plates and roll of paper towels on the table.  I had another order of fried alligator which made Melody turn a little pale, but other than that it was a great meal.  I found out that the restaurant also had a grocery store attached to the building, and they sold seafood and sausage, so I got a card from the waitress.  I figured I’d find someway to have Nate send all that good stuff over to me at Hogwarts.

I got in the car with a full stomach, happy, and ready to go.  Melody, on the other hand just had a full stomach.  I was starting to worry that my wonderful road trip idea was going to go down as a story I’d hear years from now, the one where she would tell some woman “Oh, do you know what he did for our honeymoon?”  The tone wouldn’t be the happy, excited it-was-a-wonderful-surprise tone, either, it would be akin to the one where you talk about how you had to do something horrible because your grandmother made you do it and was totally embarrassing. 

After leaving the restaurant I pulled out the map of Louisiana from the car and stood under the lamppost.  Somehow or another Nate had forgotten to give me the promised GPS navigator and I had to do things the old-fashioned way.  It would take a while to get to the interstate, and I really didn’t want to put the top up, so I decided the old back roads would take less time and be a lot more fun.  Well, I thought they would be, as the road was somewhat curvy and I’d get to have fun driving.  Melody was not impressed with Muggle car travel, especially all the stops and starts, so she sat in the passenger seat and put on my Braves hat. 

“So, copilot, are you ready?”  I sat down and looked at her.  “You want to drive?”

“No.”  She shook her head.  “I have no idea how you do all those things; I mean, you do one thing with your foot while you turn the wheel with one hand and hit little switches with the other and try not to run into things all at the same time.  Oh, and you have to read signs while you do it.  I would rather use a portkey any day.  Or fly on a Muggle plane again.  You just drive and I’ll probably fall asleep soon anyway.”

I turned the key and soon enough we were off, wind around us, Louisiana scenery slipping by in the darkness.  We’d gone north for about an hour or so, I’m not sure, when I noticed that we were going to need gas soon.  The first few very small towns we went through didn’t have a gas station, or one that I could find off of the highway, so I kept going, my nerves straining; I had a bad feeling that we’d be stuck on the side of the road.  Luckily I found a small gas station all by itself on the highway that was sort of well lit.  When I pulled up to the pump I noticed a couple of cars and pickups in the back of the parking lot filled with teenagers.  They were playing their music pretty loudly, and the combination of the music and the fact that the car had stopped woke up Mel.

“Where are we?”

“Still in Louisiana.  I’ve got to get some gas.”

I put in my credit card and got the pump working finally, as the pump looked like it came out of an old movie.  When the tank was full I went to get my receipt, but it didn’t print out.  Not good, because I needed the receipts.  Ian said something about keeping all the receipts for everything, how he’d use them for some complicated financial thing but I had ignored most of it as I was just interested in going on the honeymoon at that time.  Well, I figured if I can’t get the receipt at the pump I could get it inside, so I went in.  The kid behind the counter couldn’t have been less interested in helping me; instead he was busy texting someone on his mobile phone.  After finally getting his attention he tried printing the receipt, but the printer jammed.  This led to a search for the manual on how to clear the jam, and it seemed like forever had passed when he finally printed the receipt.

“What’s taking so long?”  Melody stood at my side holding two sodas.  “This is the right kind, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”  She tapped me on the shoulder and I leaned in close.

She whispered “The loo was horrible.”

I nodded, pulled out my wallet and paid for the sodas.  As we walked out of the gas station something was wrong, very, very wrong.

“Mel, where’s the car?”

“Merlin’s pants!  I just went in to use the loo, and…”

I didn’t hear the rest of what she said.  I looked around and, sure enough, the teenagers were all gone.  _Fuck_.  “Mel, you didn’t take the keys out?”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to.  I told you I don’t know how cars work, Hank.”

I walked out towards the gas pumps and kept walking, right out into the middle of the highway.  I don’t know how long I was out there, but I had to clear my head.  I took a look around the sky until I found the Big Dipper, and then yelled “FUCK” as loudly as possible.  I started to walk back over to Mel when I heard it; the Jaguar was still here!  I took off at a dead sprint towards the gas station, and then it came around the corner at speed, two people in the car, whooping as the gravel kicked up from the tires.  As I watched it speed by me and down the road I had a sudden, horrible realization about its occupants.  Well, at least one of them.

“Mel!  Can you see if the door is locked?”  I pointed to the gas station. 

She ran over and tried the doors; sure enough they were locked.  The fucking kid at the gas station counter locked up and went with his friend who stole my car.  My Jaguar.  My classic, 1950’s beautiful cream Jaguar with the wire-spoked wheels.

“Hank?”  Mel’s voice was worried.  “What do we do now?  Can you use your thing to talk to Nate?”

“Could I call him?  Sure.  My brother and Lavender Brown could pop over and get us out of Nowheresville, Louisiana.  One problem.  My phone is in the car.”  I walked over to where a public telephone used to be, as the outline of the payphone and the mounting plates were still exposed on the side of the gas station.  “And there’s no payphone, either.  We’re fucked, Mel.”

I sat down on the steps leading into the gas station and Mel joined me.  She looked worried, and to be honest, I was too.  Before I could say anything I saw headlights coming up the road.  I started to head over to see if I could flag them down but I realized the headlights were moving way too fast for it to be safe to stand out in the highway.  They were going too fast to see me, they’d be gone before they could even see us.  _Fuck_. 

The gravel and dust flew as the vehicle came to a stop at the gas station, and once the dust cleared I recognized what had stopped at an impossibly short distance based on the rate of speed.  Somehow an ancient looking black and red school bus stood idling in front of us, and for a few seconds I had no idea what to do.  I looked over to Mel and noticed she had her wand out, so I reached into my pocket and pulled mine out as well.  The two of us stood there silently, wands somewhat raised until the door opened on the bus.

“Well don’t just stand there, get in.  Can’t take you nowhere if you don’t get in.”  The voice was masculine and sounded old.  “And put your wands away, you don’t need them.”

 _Wands?  What the fuck?_   “Um, Mel…”

An elderly man with grey hair and a sharp grey suit and tie stepped out of the bus.  “Y’all need a ride.  Can’t stay here, too many gators.”

As soon as Mel heard the word “gators” she started walking towards the bus.  I followed and when we got to the old man I looked him in the eye.  “You must not be a Muggle ‘cause you noticed the wands.  What is this?’

He laughed.  “Boy, this here’s the Sorcière Perdue.  We give rides to any witch or wizard that needs one, and I reckon y’all need one pretty bad.”

Mel and I must have had identical confused expressions, because the man laughed.  “Sorcière Perdue, lost witch.  Come on, then.  I can’t be here all night.  I’ll drop you at the Bon Charme; Marie will take care of you.”

 

-ooo-

 

I sat with Melody in the bus as the driver went through the country roads at a massive rate of speed.  Mel was curled up in the corner, her feet up on the seat and her chin on her knees.

Melody’s voice was very soft, and I could hear the hurt in her voice.  “I’m sorry, Hank.  I didn’t know I had to take the keys.”

I sighed.  I couldn’t be mad at her.  “You didn’t know, Mel.  It’s a Muggle thing, I just forgot you don’t know about stuff like that.  I don’t know what we’re going to do, though.  All of our luggage, my phone, our schedule, everything was in the car.”  _The car, my beautiful Jaguar, now in the hands of two teenagers.  Fuck._

“I know, but…now what do we do?”  She crossed her arms and leaned back into the seat.  “I don’t even have anything to sleep in.”

“Like that’s bothered you lately.”  I smiled and was happy to see that I got the “why can’t you behave” look.

Before she could actually say anything the bus stopped, and we both stood up.  The driver opened the door and looked back at us.  “Just ring the bell when you get in the lobby, Marie will take good care of you.”

We thanked the driver and stepped out of the bus in front of a very large, white house with faded paint.  The massive porch wrapped around the front of the house, and a second-story porch, typical to New Orleans plantation houses definitely caught my eye.  I’d wanted to visit a house like this, with the giant plantation shutters and rocking chairs ever since I’d read about New Orleans years ago, and my wish was finally here.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a normal tourist visit, though, as it was the dead of night, my car was missing and we had no luggage.  We walked up the steps and opened the screen door, which creaked on its hinges, and opened the large door. 

The lobby of the Bon Charme looked as if it hadn’t been changed since about 1800 but closer examination revealed that it was incredibly clean and well-kept.  Large oriental rugs covered the ancient wood floors, and there were several portraits of people from pre-Revolutionary times sleeping in their frames.  I looked at one painting and saw a dark-haired girl of about seventeen dressed in a white, lacy dress sleep in her rocking chair on a porch…and the porch looked exactly like the Bon Charme.  Mel pulled me away, and we began walking through the large open foyer and quickly arrived at a small desk that said “Check In.”  Nobody was at the desk, and due to the late, or actually early hour I wasn’t surprised.  I tapped a small bell that stood on the desk and looked over to Melody as it didn’t seem to make any sound whatsoever.  She shrugged so I hit the bell again, and as before there was no sound.

“I’m coming, I’m coming, and you don’t have to keep ringing the bell.”  An older woman’s voice could be heard behind a door that was in back of the desk, and sure enough the door swung open right after that.  She wore an old, multi-colored robe and her grey hair was piled up on the top of her head.  After she sat down at the desk with a flick of her wand a pair of reading glasses moved from the desk and into her hand, and she put them on slowly.  “I don’t have any reservations, so y’all must have come in on the Sorcière Perdue.”

“Yep, that’s it.  Someone stole my car.”  I took off my glasses, folded them up and put them in my shirt pocket.  “We’ll need a room tonight and then we’ll need to get in touch with the sheriff or Aurors or whoever in the Ministry can get our stuff back.”

“Car?  Boy, if you came in on the Sorcière Perdue why are you driving a car?  And Ministry?  Where you from?”

“Virginia, sort of.  I live in Scotland now.  I’m barely a wizard, but my wife’s a witch.”  I looked over to Melody.  “That means you, you know.”

“Oh!”  Melody shook her head.  “Sorry, still not used to that.”

“Congratulations.”  The woman behind the desk smiled at us.  “You must be newlyweds.  I’m sorry you had to come to the Bon Charme because of your situation, but I’ll give you the honeymoon suite.  I’m Marie Chennault, and this is my hotel.”

After we’d made the introductions, and I realized that Marie had never heard of my book or my story, my ego was appropriately deflated.  So much for being a famous mostly-Muggle.  We also found out that the Bon Charme was purposely out-of-touch with the majority of the wizarding world in America, or the United Magical States as I reminded myself, as the hotel was a prime location for those who wished to get away from it all.  The Floo was only connected at ten in the morning and at two in the afternoon, check-in and check-out times, so there was nothing for us to do but wait.

We thanked Marie for her hospitality, especially in the situation and since she’d given us the honeymoon suite, and I was lucky enough to find that my secret little Galleon pouch that Neville had given me before we’d left the UK was still in my pocket.  As I opened it up and paid for our room I was glad to know that I wasn’t completely penniless.  We graciously took the room key from Marie and headed up the stairs, eventually finding our room at the end of the hall.  I opened the door and stood open-mouthed at the entrance, causing Melody to push me inside.

“Come on, Hank.  I’m tired.”  She walked into the room and flung herself down on the large, canopied bed.  After realizing that I was still in the doorway, she rolled over and looked at me while kicking off her shoes.  “Why are you still standing there?”

“I feel like I’ve walked onto the set of Gone With the Wind, that’s why.”

Melody rolled off of the bed and pulled down the blankets.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about and I’m too tired and we’ve been through too much today for me to care.  Now come to bed.”

The next morning I woke up to an empty bed; the covers were thrown back, so I knew that Mel was up.  So much for a little morning time.  I sat up and reached over to the nightstand to find my glasses, and after putting them on I swung my legs out off of the high bed onto the hardwood floor. 

“Mel?  Where are you?”

“Out here.” 

I heard her voice come from an open set of French doors, so I put on my shorts and threw my shirt on and walked out.  She was sitting on a chair on the porch, looking over the trees and water.  I sat down in the chair next to her and looked at the little table between us.  “Where’d the coffee come from?”

“House elf.  As soon as I got dressed she appeared out here and brought me coffee.”  Mel picked up the carafe and poured me a cup.  “We’ve got a few hours before we can use the Floo.  Might as well enjoy it.”

I took a sip of coffee.  _How the hell was I supposed to enjoy waiting to tell someone that my car was missing?  I was sure it was wrapped around a telephone pole._   “Enjoy it…normally I would, but…”

“Your precious car, I know.  Don’t worry; they won’t get in the trunk.  I put a locking spell on it.”

I squinted in the sunlight.  “When’d you do that?”

“When we left New Orleans.  I’ve been doing it ever since we started.”  She looked over to me as if it was one of the most basic things in the world.  “Honestly, Hank.  Your Muggle locks wouldn’t keep anyone out of there.”

 

-ooo-

 

Once we had finished breakfast the rest of the morning was an exercise in trying to relax, as Mel was calm, just as if she was waiting for a program to come on the wireless, but I was a nervous wreck.  I couldn’t sit still for more than a few minutes at a time and when I did sit down my leg would bounce until Melody would smack me on the arm, my signal to get up and walk around for a while.  It was during one of my little walks that I ended up in front of the painting in the lobby, the one with the dark-headed girl.  In the daylight I could examine it closely, and even though the girl was missing from the portrait I took my time looking at the surroundings.  I was sure that the setting was the front porch of the Bon Charme.  But when I saw the small plate that held the name of the portrait’s occupant, that’s when I lost my breath for a second.  _It couldn’t be, could it?_   When I heard Marie talk to someone from the vicinity of the Check-In desk I went over to find out.

After the house elf left I couldn’t wait.  “Marie, what do you know about the portrait in the lobby, the one with the girl in the white lace dress?  I saw the name, and I think I might know some people that are related to her.”

“I hope you don’t, as she was the only good one in the whole family.  My great-great grandmother got the Bon Charme from her, as Charlotte never had any children of her own.”

“Well, I think I do, but they spell it differently.  The ones I know spell Malfoy with a y, but its spelled Malfoi with an i…”

Marie took out a handkerchief and spit into it.  “Don’t say that name, boy.  We don’t say it here; if you want to refer to Charlotte call her Aunt Charlotte, that’s what everyone does.  Bad family, that was a bad, bad family.”

 _Holy shit, were the Malfoys all horrible except for Draco?_   “What’d they do?”

“Worked this plantation with Muggle slaves.  Didn’t matter what color; white, black, Creole, all Muggles were the same.  When the good wizarding folk found out they ran them all off except for Aunt Charlotte.  She took care of the Muggles, helped heal them after they’d been whipped or cursed.  She was an odd woman, from all accounts.  One day when my great-great grandmother Daphne was just out of Laveau Aunt Charlotte called her in to the office.  My great-great grandmother worked for her here in the Bon Charme.  Story has it that there was a dark look on Aunt Charlotte’s face, and when another wizard came into the office she brought out parchment and signed over the Bon Charme to Daphne.  She never said why she did it, and two days later Aunt Charlotte was never seen again.  The other members of that family came back, saying that it was their family house, it wasn’t legal, but it was legal.  They didn’t take it well and went into the nearest Muggle village and took it out on all those poor Muggles.  Only a few of them were left alive, and those that were still there would’ve been better off dead, they way they was left.”

 _Good grief, Draco was the only decent one_.  “I know a…one of the family in England, and he started down that path, but he seems to have turned his life around.”

Marie shrugged.  “Must of inherited some of Aunt Charlotte, somehow.  I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want to hear that old story.   I suppose you’re waiting for the Floo?”

“Yeah.  Definitely.”  I ran my hand through my hair.  “We’ve got to get our car back.  We’re supposed to be in Minnesota at the end of the week, and then it’s the long drive to Oregon.”

She shook her head at me.  “Why are you driving a Muggle car if you’re staying here?  Ain’t no Muggles ever stayed here before.”

I sat down in the chair next to the desk.  “It’s a long story.  I’m barely a wizard, and you can tell from the accent my wife’s British.  I didn’t know I had any magical blood until I went over to Britain.  I teach Muggle Studies at a school over there, and I’ve written a book and a textbook, so I’m going to the magical schools to try and get them to adopt my textbook and bookstores too.  I thought it would be fun to show my wife America by driving, like the road trips I went on as a kid.  Just didn’t expect to get my car stolen.”

“Hum.  So you were in New Orleans to stop by Laveau, then?” 

 _Crap, what was her name?_   Oh yeah.  “Yep.  Spoke to the, um, head of the school, Madame Cormier.”  _At least I remembered her name this time._

Marie smiled and me and put her reading glasses on the desk.  “Franny is a friend of the family, her grandmother and I went to Laveau together.  I think you should Floo her when it turns on, she’ll know how to help.”

When the Floo finally switched on Melody contacted Franny Cormier, and I explained the situation.  I told her that my brother was dating a witch, Lavender Brown, who was working with the American Auror Bureau in Washington, DC.  Franny took the information about my car and said not to worry, that she would contact Lavender.  I thanked her for all of the help and soon her face disappeared from the green flames.

Luckily things didn’t take long, as soon a house elf found us on the porch and told us that we had a Floo call.  Melody and I knelt down next to the fireplace as Lavender’s head appeared in the flames.

“You really did it this time, didn’t you?” 

“Thanks, Lavender.  Yeah, I guess so.  Did Madame Cormier tell you that my car…”

“We already have that.  There’s a trace charm on it, we got that back last night.  It’s back in New Orleans, mostly.”

“Mostly?”  _Oh shit._   “What the hell happened?  Is all of our stuff safe?  And how did you know?”

Lavender shook her head.  “After everything that’s happened do you really think we’d just let you and Melody drive around in that car without precautions?  We had some spells on the car, plus the Sorcière Perdue reports on every witch or wizard that rides.  We catch some real idiots that way.  There’s an alert placed on your name, so when it popped up on the logs we knew something was up.  I was getting ready to Floo the Bon Charme when you contacted me.  Oh, and most of your car is in one piece.  One of the wheel thingies came off.”

 _Wheel thingies?  Holy hell._   “What about our stuff?”

“Melody’s spell is pretty good, we can’t get in, so it should be fine.  Just stay put, we’ll have someone out to pick you up in about an hour or so.”

 

-ooo-

 

When we arrived back at The Vanishing Spectre later that day with the AAB agent I knew that my dream of the wonderful road trip was dead, along with the Jaguar.  Apparently the two idiots had somehow managed to tear off the whole freaking driver’s side front wheel along with most of the front end, so it was going to be shipped back to DC and my brother.  There was a letter waiting for me from Ian, and somehow he’d been contacted as well because there were instructions on portkeys for the rest of the trip.  Melody was happy, as we wouldn’t be in the Jaguar anymore.  At least if I couldn’t drive the car Melody would be happy, so that was in my favor.

The rest of the trip was fine; I received a lot of positive response on my textbook, and there were only a few minor incidents at the book signings.  I had a feeling I was going to get teased by Melody about the one elderly witch who managed to pinch my butt as I walked by to head to my chair at one signing, as she was eighty if she was a day.  It seemed like the rest of the visits had flown by, as soon we were taking the last of the overseas portkeys to head home.  As we stood there, waiting for the vase to turn the normal portkey color, Mel turned and looked at me.

“That was certainly interesting, Hank, and fun as well, but I’m ready to go home.”

“Me too, Mel.  I’m ready for a little bit of quiet.”  I put my arm around her waist and pulled her close.  “Maybe not too quiet.”

She leaned up and kissed me quickly.  “We’ll see.”


	2. Welcome to the Ministry

**Chapter 2:  Welcome to the Ministry**

 

Once Mel and I arrived back at Colony House in Stintborough after the honeymoon trip things did settle down, thank Merlin.  She was thrown into all of the _Witch Weekly_ things she’d missed, and I had to get ready for another year of Muggle Studies at Hogwarts.  Luckily there weren’t any staff changes, especially regarding the headmaster position, so I felt pretty good about things.  Neville and Hannah stopped over a few days after we’d returned, after we’d caught up on sleep and done the whole “recover after a vacation” thing.  I had fun listening to Mel describe everything, and it was interesting to hear her explain, or try to explain some things.  One of the things that she couldn’t figure out initially was the American fascination with fast food, as she thought most of it was horrible.  She’d loved Maine, liked Oregon and pretty much tolerated everything else in-between except for New Orleans; she liked New Orleans, especially the French Quarter, but wanted to stay in a different hotel next time.  My story about the Bon Charme and Aunt Charlotte Malfoi was greeted with initial disbelief but then curiosity, and somewhere during the evening Neville and I hatched a plan to one day take the women to the Bon Charme.  I had a feeling it was going to be a few years before that would happen, though.

I slid into the school year feeling very relaxed, and things went well, so well that before I knew it the school year was ending.  The traditions of the previous year were followed, as we had another Muggle Club party at Colony House and unfortunately another Hogsmeade Swearing Party.  My Muggle Studies classes were larger than the previous year due to the fact that it was open to all students, and some of the stigma of Muggle Studies being a “soft” option was slowly eroding away.  The biggest change, though, was Lavinia.  Even though we were only her guardians while she was attending Hogwarts Melody and I treated her like our daughter, and even if she wasn’t our natural daughter she couldn’t have been a better kid.  She’d grown a lot over the year, let her pixie haircut grow out and seemed to have adjusted to the new normal very well.  She worked hard at school, was a joy to have around the house during holiday, and when Tinney came over for Christmas it was like we’d just added onto the family.  She and Willy were still dating, although they did break up for a week once.

It wasn’t all butterbeer and chocolate frogs, though.  I still don’t know exactly what happened, but at one time Mel and I got into an argument and she ended up spending a night at her old place in London.  Luckily for us Lavinia was staying with Ruby, so she didn’t have to see or hear anything, but the next day we both realized we’d been idiots and promised never to do that again.  She still didn’t like me smoking my pipe, but figured it was easier to put up with occasionally than to have me smoking cigarettes again. 

There were a few surprises, though.  When Nate and Lavender showed up for Easter they surprised us by taking us out to lunch, along with Parvati Patil and her boyfriend Eliot something or other, both of whom I’d never met.  After we’d finished eating at a restaurant that was really nice they took all of us to a chapel, and it was there that Nate and Lavender got married.  Everyone was surprised, and I couldn’t believe it when they said their vows, as Lavender was so sappily romantic I felt as if someone had changed brains with her.  As soon as they had finished their vows we all ended up at Colony House and had drinks late into the night.  Nate told me that he and Lavender didn’t want a big to-do, and after what happened when my brother Ted got married, not to mention when Melody and I got married I didn’t disagree.  Melody and I also attended the wedding of my old college roommate Mike Greene to Cho Chang, a very pleasant event.  I was glad to know that Mike was going to be around a while, as he lived in London in a flat trying to find work as an actor while Cho taught at Hogwarts.  He did manage to make it onto the Muggle television once, as an American bad guy, but he didn’t mind as it was work. 

One of the best things that happened was that George and Angelina welcomed Freddie into the family.  It was funny hearing from Hermione how pregnant Angelina absolutely ruled the house, as George actually could be serious and buckle down and do things if he put his mind to it.  He was determined to make things easier for Angelina, and it made Molly extremely happy to see George be a very good husband and father.  Of course he also did things like borrow Melody’s laptop and managed to blow it up; I was initially really angry but Melody didn’t care, as she never could get the hang of it.

 

-ooo-

 

I had no idea where 2006 went, not to mention most of 2007, as it was late August and I’d be starting classes soon.  I sat in my office looking through the pictures that needed to be put into the photo albums when Melody walked into my office wearing a towel.

“You haven’t even showered yet, and you’re the one always telling me to hurry up?  Come on, I told Ginny we’d help her get things ready.  Do you have everything?”

“Yes, I have the charcoal and lighter fluid.  It’s just the Potter’s barbeque, we’ll be fine.”  I closed the photo album and sat the pile of pictures on the desk to the side of the book.  “Besides, it doesn’t take me that long to get ready.  I’ll be done by the time you’ve finally decided on what to wear.”

“Not funny.” 

She left the office and I headed towards the shower.  Unfortunately for her, I was right.  I’d finished showering and had changed clothes while she sat on the bed in her bra and knickers looking into her closet.  I looked at the pile of clothing on the floor and knew better than to ask or suggest anything, so I headed out to the garden.   Lavinia was sitting in one of the chairs, reading a book and listening to her WUMP when I sat down in a chair next to her.  My sudden appearance made her jump, and she took off her headphones and shook her finger at me.

“That’s quite rude, you know.  Scaring me like that.”

“You’re young, you’ll live.  Are you going with us?  Can’t remember.”

She shook her head.  “Willy’s coming over, we’re going to the WeasleyVision cinema.  I’m so excited, the first one in the world.  It was sold out last week an’ he was lucky to get Saturday night tickets, I thought it’d be next week at the earliest.  Ruby an’ Carrick are coming with us.”

I put my glasses up on my head.  “Are any adults…”

“Yes, Hank, Willy’s parents are going with us, don’t worry.  We won’t be late.  Besides, I’m watching the babies tomorrow and I have to get a good night’s sleep before that.”

“Is that here or…”

Lavinia sat back in her chair.  “Oh Merlin.”  She sounded exasperated.  “I don’t know how Melody does it.  I told you last week, I’m watching the Potter boys and Hermione’s at the Weasley’s.  You need a Rememberall.”

“Hank, let’s go!”  Melody stood in the half-open back door.  “We’re going to be late.”

I started to say something but Lavinia kicked my foot.  When I looked at her she just shook her head. 

Once we’d arrived by Floo at Grimmauld Place Hermione was the first to meet us; Melody left with her to go into the kitchen and I made my way outside, where Ron, Harry and George were sitting around the grill.

“About time you got here, I’m starving.”  Ron pointed a butterbeer at me.  “Get that thing going, and we’re doing it with magic.”

“Sure, Ron.  No problem.”  I dumped the charcoal in the grill, prepared the coals and doused them with lighter fluid.  George did the honors, and soon the fire was going.  I sat down in an empty chair next to everyone and readily accepted the butterbeer that Harry pulled out of the cooler.

“So how are sales?”  George looked over to me.  “The new book doing well?”

I nodded.  “Sort of.  Not as interesting as the others, but it’s more of a specialty book.  Not everyone needs help tracing their Muggle relatives.” 

“What’d you call it?”  Ron shook his head.  “Muggles stuck in a tree or something like that?”

I laughed.  “Close.  _Muggles in the Tree: Researching Your Muggle Genealogy_.  Your mom came up with the title.”  Molly had helped me on the book and I gave her a co-author credit.  I knew how to do Muggle genealogy, but the Wizarding stuff was out of my league, so I went to the only source I knew, Molly.  “We’re supposed to do a workshop over the Christmas holiday at Flourish  & Blotts.”

We heard the door open and saw Ginny holding the door open for James, who toddled out towards us.  Harry picked him up before he could get close to the grill, and after James was safely on Harry’s lap Harry pointed towards the grill.  “Hot.  Hot, James.  No.  Hot.”

James shook his head.  “Hot.”  He looked over and saw me.  “Bin?  Bin?”

“Sorry James, Bin isn’t here today.”  I looked over to George.  “Lavinia and Willy are on a date, they’re going to the WeasleyVision cinema.”

An owl swooped low over the horizon and landed on the arm of Harry’s chair, and it was all Harry could do to keep James from grabbing the owl’s tail feathers.  As Harry struggled with James, keeping his hands away from the owl Ron reached over and took the note off of the owl.  James sat down unhappily as the owl flew away.

Ron handed the letter to Harry.  “Got the Auror seal on it, mate.”

I took a drink of butterbeer.  “That can’t be good.”

Harry shrugged it off.  “Probably just another schedule update.  Fortunately we’ve been rather slow lately.”  He sat James down on the grass, and Ron reached out for him, making James squeal with laughter as he picked him up by his leg.  Harry laughed.  “Don’t let Ginny see you do that.”

Ron waved him off and proceeded to bounce James on his leg while Harry read the note.  I didn’t mean to stare, but after Harry said “Merlin!” under his breath, I knew it couldn’t be good.

Harry stood up.  “We’ve got to go to the office, Ron.  Hank, you’re coming with us.”

“Me?”  I took a drink of butterbeer.  “Why?  I’m no Auror.”

“That’s for sure.”  George pointed his butterbeer at me.  “You’d be the worst Auror ever.”

Harry shook his head.  “Can’t say right now.  Come on, we need to take James inside and tell the girls we’ll be gone for a bit.  I guess that means you’re in charge of the grill, George.”

 

-ooo-

 

We arrived at the Auror office by the visitor’s entrance, and luckily being with two Aurors made the process much easier, not to mention that it was Saturday and the Ministry was almost deserted.  As Ron held open the door to the elevator I looked over to Harry.

“It can’t be the WLF, we haven’t heard from them in ages.  What’s going on?”

Harry shook his head.  “Not now.  We’ll find out, just wait.”

The elevator deposited us on the Auror floor, and Ron and Harry walked briskly to what I knew was Ron’s office.  They always used Ron’s office as Harry’s was usually a giant mess that only he and his assistant could ever navigate or stand; Ron’s office may not have been as clean as Percy’s but it was comfortable and somewhat well maintained.  A young witch was sitting outside Ron’s office and as soon as she saw us approach she got up and walked down the hallway.  Ron opened the door and we went in, sat behind his desk and Harry slid into a large purple leather chair that everyone called “Harry’s chair.” 

I sat down in the smaller blue leather chair and looked over at the Aurors.  “So can you tell me…”

The door opened and Gawain Robards, head of the Auror department walked in wearing striped pants and a sweatshirt, all in the colors of the Wimbourne Wasps.  “Let’s get to it.  Mr. Boyd I’m going to invoke the secrecy agreements we’ve made over the years, so don’t get any ideas.  Yes, you can tell your wife but that’s it.”   He put a file down on Ron’s desk.  “Here’s what we know.  Two weeks ago the Muggle Studies professor went missing at the Houdini School in New York.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, just a regular missing persons.  The next week the Muggle Studies professor at the Laveau Academy in New Orleans disappeared, and at the same time the Muggle Studies professor didn’t show for a mandatory meeting at Goodwood University in Vancouver, British Columbia.  Besides the fact that it’s too much of a coincidence that all of the Muggle Studies professors are missing, they have one other thing in common.”

Robards looked directly at me, and all of the sudden I knew exactly why I was in Ron’s office.  “Holy shit.”

“What is it, Hank?”  Ron leaned across his desk.  “What do you know?”

“I went to two of those places on my honeymoon, the ones in the UMS.  All of them have adopted my Muggle Studies textbook.”

“That’s right.”  Robards nodded.  “We’ve cleared it with Headmaster Titus, but I thought I would ask, even though I’m pretty sure I know the answer.” 

I took the parchment from Robards and quickly unrolled it.  After scanning it quickly I looked up; I couldn’t believe this was happening.  “Really?”

Robards nodded, and then looked over to Harry and Ron.  “Ministry wants Professor Muggle here to work with us in a semi-official capacity.  The official story is that he’s going to help with our Muggle interaction procedures.  Harry, give him Billpub’s old office and walk him through everything.  Boyd, you’ve got a meeting here at half ten on Monday, get here at eight so we can process all your paperwork, get your ID, all of that.  I’ll leave you to read the file, I’ve got another meeting and then if the bloody owls don’t pester me I might make the match.  Now sign the parchment, Boyd, so I can leave.”

I unsteadily signed the parchment with one of Ron’s quills; as soon as I was finished Robards took out his wand, sent the parchment zooming out of the office and left, closing the door firmly.

“What the fuck?  Muggle Studies professors using my textbook are missing?”  I looked over to Harry, who just pointed to Ron, who was already reading the file.  “Ron, what the hell is…”

Ron didn’t move his head from the documents, instead he held up his hand.  Harry stood up and nodded his head towards the door.

“Come on, I’ll show you where the office is, Ron’s going to be reading for a while.  Best to let him digest things fully before asking too many questions, trust me.”

 

-ooo-

 

As I followed Harry though a maze of desks my head was spinning.  Muggle Studies instructors using my text were missing, I’d been drafted by the Aurors and the Ministry and I had a meeting on Monday.  What the hell did I just get dragged into?

“Here we are.  Sorry, I’m sure it’s not very clean; after Billpub retired last year nobody’s used this office.  Um, you’ll probably figure out why.” 

Harry opened the door, and I looked inside to see one of the smallest offices ever, there was just enough room for a desk, visitor chair and one file cabinet.  There were no windows, and the place smelled awful, like someone had left a sandwich in the file cabinet for a few years.  A thick layer of dust covered everything and a small, dead plant sat on the corner of the desk.

“I’m sure they’ll have someone clean it before Monday.  Do you think you can find your way back to Ron’s office?”

I shook my head at Harry.  “No.  I don’t.  I wasn’t paying attention; I’m still trying to process everything that’s just happened.”

“I understand, Hank.  Come on, we’ll head back; I’m sure Ron’s read through everything by now.”

 

-ooo-

 

It was early evening before we reappeared at Grimmauld Place, and Ron quickly tore into the remaining sausages and everything else.  I picked at my plate as my appetite had disappeared, something that didn’t escape Melody’s notice.  Luckily for me most of the guests had already left, leaving only our spouses, George, Angelina, Neville, Hannah and Petal Farnsworth.  I wished I could tell them, especially Petal, as if there was ever a time I needed to pick a former Auror’s brain it was now. 

After we’d finished eating our late meal the women disappeared into the living room to chat, leaving us men alone in the garden.  We sat around the table and George kept running on about the shop and the cinema and a bunch of other things, but I didn’t really listen.  I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell I was going to tell Melody.  Luckily I was saved by Melody, who came out and said that she had a bit of a headache, so we headed home and I was saved from trying to make conversation out in the garden.  I didn’t know how Harry and Ron did it, separating work from the rest of their life like that.  Practice, I guess.

When we arrived home Melody turned on the wireless to a music station, made tea and then sat down on the sofa.  She patted the cushion next to her and gave me her “just tell me now, it’ll save you trouble later” look.  I knew better than to argue at that point, so I sat down and nervously took a sip of tea.

“Ok, out with it.  You disappeared with Harry and Ron, and none of you said a word when you got back.”

“I’ve been drafted by the Aurors and the Ministry.  Remember when we stopped by the magic schools on our honeymoon?  Two of the Muggle Studies professors we’ve met are missing, and another professor in Canada who’s using my textbook is missing.  Something’s going on, and they don’t know what it is or why.  You can’t say anything to anyone; this has to stay between us.  I don’t know if Hermione and Ginny will know, so unless you hear something from them you have to keep quiet.  I’ve got a meeting at the Ministry on Monday.  That’s really all I know.”  I sighed and leaned against the sofa.  “Oh, and they’ve given me a little office at the Ministry.”

“Bloody hell, Hank!  Tell me it isn’t starting again.”

She looked worried, and frankly I was, too.  “No idea.  Ron’s read the file, I’ll probably know more after Monday.”

Before Mel could say anything else we heard the Floo, and Lavinia walked into the living room.

“That was great!  You have to go see it.”

I looked at Mel and realized the rest of the conversation would happen later, in private. 

 

-ooo-

 

Sunday wasn’t fun, as I was nervous and Melody was irritated.  At least Lavinia was in a good mood, as she spent most of breakfast telling us the story of the movie which was about an apprentice dragon trainer.  Apparently there were a lot of good dragon effects, and Lavinia said at one point she thought she was going to be eaten by a dragon.  After breakfast Lavinia went to write a letter to her Aunt Tinney, as she had to know what her Aunt, as well as Charlie Weasley thought about the movie, specifically if it was realistic.

I spent the rest of the day in my office, as Melody worked on a piece for _Witch_ _Weekly_ for a while and then went to visit her Mum at Forthingsgate.  I was supposed to go as well but stayed at home, something that didn’t add to Melody’s mood as we were supposed to have some sort of conversation with her Mum.  I figured I could get the details later; I just had too much on my mind. 

After re-reading most of my Muggle Studies text I couldn’t see anything really objectionable to witches or wizards, as I’d gone over it with a fine-toothed comb prior to publication to make sure that there was nothing inflammatory or very controversial.  I opened the window, pulled out a pipe and packed it.  After finally getting it lit I sat there at my desk, wondering what the hell was going to happen.  At least I’d know more in a few hours.

I couldn’t sleep on Sunday night so I got up at four and puttered around the house, going downstairs so I wouldn’t wake up Melody or Lavinia.  Churchill, our black cat, did his best to wake everyone up as for some reason he kept walking around and meowing at me for no apparent reason.  I checked his food and water bowls, but everything was fine.  I chalked it up to my early rising disturbing his routine.  Harry swung by at seven-thirty, apologizing for coming at such an early hour, but I assured him it was quite all right.  I closed the door quietly, so as to not wake Melody or Lavinia, and after we stepped into my back garden Harry took my arm and we were gone.

Instead of arriving at the visitor’s entrance or the Auror entrance we were in someplace entirely new to me; a large amount of chairs went around a round room that looked like a dentist’s office, only less comfortable.  Instead of old copies of magazines and half-dead plants an old copy of _Celebrity Wizard Weekly_ lay on one table along with a three day old copy of _The Daily Prophet_.  There were no plants, and instead of the receptionists desk at a dentist’s office there was a small window with a ledge sticking out from the bottom.  A shade was drawn over the window that read “Closed.” 

“Looks like we’re early.  This place sure hasn’t changed at all.”  Harry smiled slightly at me.  “All new Ministry employees have to go through here to get their IDs, do all the paperwork…the usual.” 

“Harry, do you know anything…”

“No.”  His tone was very curt, and he looked at me as an Auror, not my friend.  “Remember why you’re going through this, and conduct your conversations accordingly.”  He took off his glasses and chuckled.  “Merlin, I’m turning into Robards.”

The door opened and a young woman walked in, glanced at us and then sat on a chair on the opposite side of the room.  I was sure Harry was glad she was there, because it kept me from asking more questions.  Harry handed me _Celebrity Wizard Weekly_ and took the old _Prophet_ , so I was left reading about the new WeasleyVision film stars, how they were adjusting to their new fame and, most importantly, what kind of hairstyles and robes the famous people were wearing. 

I was spared finding out about an actress’s diet by the sound of the shade going up and the window sliding open.  Harry put down the paper and got up, so I followed suit and went with him to the little window.

“Name?”  The bored wizard took a sip of tea and sat looking at us over his glasses, which I noticed were purple. 

Harry elbowed me.  “Boyd, Hank Boyd.”

The wizard took his finger and ran it down a piece of parchment.  “Not on the list.”  He looked around us towards the girl sitting in the room.  “Next.”

Harry shook his head.  “Hank, give him your full name.”

“Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd.” 

The wizard moved his finger down the parchment, stopping halfway.  “Yes, please step through the door and remember to be precise.  This is the Ministry of Magic.” 

A door next to the window materialized and opened and I followed Harry through.  As we walked down the hallway Harry laughed.  “Welcome to the Ministry.

 

-ooo-

 

Over an hour later I followed Harry towards my new office.  “Is it always like that?  I mean, I’ve never been more poked or prodded or answered more questions in my life.”

“Remember what department you’re working with, Hank, and at what level.  For one of the clerical jobs it’s not that difficult, my assistant said it took her about a half hour, and those that work in the other offices, like the Magical Games and Sport, it takes them about fifteen minutes.”

We went through the maze and eventually ended up at my little office, but this time the assistant’s desk was occupied.  An elderly wizard was standing over a young witch, pointing things out on a piece of parchment.  When the two of them realized we were standing there, the older wizard straightened up.

“Well hello, Harry.  Didn’t know you’d be helping out today.  Just getting Edith sorted.”  He looked over to me.  “You must be Professor Mugg…Boyd.  Professor Boyd.”

“Professor Muggle’s fine, I’ve been answering to it for a few years.  You can just call me Hank.”

“Good, that will make things easier.  I’m Milton Lipstock, head of the Auror Administrative team here at the Ministry.  Professor, Edith will be your assistant while you’re working with the department.”

“Very nice to meet you, Edith…hey, wait a second.  You were downstairs earlier, right?”  I pushed my glasses back on my head.  “Crazy.”

“Yes, yes I was.  Edith Winston, professor.  I’m quite looking forward to working with you.”

Milton smiled and headed over to Harry.  “Let’s leave them to get acquainted.  Harry, I had an offer from another Auror, said he’d give you a week at his fishing cabin on the lake if you’d let him have Scarlet.”

“I’m not trading assistants, Milton.”  Harry shook his head.  “Scarlet’s the only one that can find anything in my office besides me.  She’s worth her weight in Galleons.”

After Harry and Milton left the area, I looked at Edith.  “So what now?”

“You have a meeting at half ten with Aurors Robards, Potter and Weasley.  After that I don’t have anything on your schedule.”

I looked down at my watch.  “That’s in almost an hour.  Guess its time to wait.  Oh, have they cleaned my office?  I saw it the other day, it was horrible.”  Edith opened her mouth to say something, but I could guess that she didn’t know, either.  “Sorry, you’ve been at this slightly longer than I have.  Let’s take a look.”

The room was clean, that was the good part, but they painted my office a horrible shade of green.  The air was thick with the smell of new paint, and I knew that if stayed in there all day I’d get a headache. 

“Maybe we should leave the door open.”  Edith turned up her nose.  “That’s horrible.”

For the rest of the time until my meeting Edith and I sat down and visited, getting to know each other.  She was a short girl with shoulder-length brown hair, slim figure, and didn’t wear a lick of makeup.  Some men I know would call her plain, but she was pretty enough that I figured it wouldn’t be long before Seamus Finnegan ended up by my office “just to talk.”  It took a while for Edith to realize that I had no clue what I was doing, and that I was going to need as much help as possible.  I assured her that the stories about my lack of skills with a wand were absolutely true, and after a short demonstration of my abilities she put out the fire on the carpet with her wand.  We had just missed each other at Hogwarts, as she left the year before I started.  I would have figured that she was in Ravenclaw, as she was very sharp, but she surprised me as she was in Slytherin.  When she told me that she almost acted embarrassed, but I assured her that even though I was the Head of House for Hufflepuff I didn’t follow any of the old grudges. 

“So what did you do before today, Edith?”  I opened my bag and pulled out a pipe and a pouch of tobacco.  “Were you working at another company?”

She watched me pack the pipe and glanced quickly at my office.  “If you smoke it in there they’ll never be able to tell.  Might help the smell, too.”

“Good point.  Let’s relocate.”

Soon I sat behind my desk, puffing away at my pipe while Edith sat in the one small chair that could actually fit into my office.  It was a good thing she wasn’t very tall or else she would have had to open the door to let her feet out.  “I don’t think I caught your answer, what did you do before the job here at the Ministry?”

“I worked at Magical Menagerie in Diagon Alley.  I did the books for them before…”  She looked down at her shoes, and I wanted to say something, but instead I puffed on my pipe.  Eventually she looked up at me.  “They sacked me.  I couldn’t help it, they were just so cute and I knew the family.  They weren’t nice at all, and if they adopted them nothing good would happen.  I took them back to my place and the family went away angry.  My boss figured it out and sacked me.”

“Holy shit, Edith.  Oh, sorry, um, you’ll have to get used to that.  Hopefully I’m better at it here, but I tend to swear a lot.  What was it that you took home?”

“Them, actually.  Puppies.  I’ve got three left, and I can only keep one.  A friend of mine is coming over later tonight and might take one, but I’m not sure what I’ll do with the other one.”

Suddenly a piece of parchment in the shape of a paper airplane came in and started tapping Edith on the head.  She pulled down the airplane, unfolded the parchment and looked at it briefly.  “Time for you to go.  Auror Robards’ office.”

 

-ooo-

 

I was late for the meeting because, no surprise, I got lost.  A witch about my age with jet-black waist length hair found me wandering around somewhere in the vicinity of the records department, and after introducing herself as Harry’s assistant Scarlet she showed me to Robards’ office.  Of course it was nowhere near where I was wandering so without her help I would have never have found it.  I knocked on the door and after being told to enter I found Gawain Robards sitting at a large desk, Harry and Ron in chairs in front of the desk.  Robards was leaning back in his chair and Ron was slumped forward in his chair and had his feet on Robards’ desk. 

“Merlin’s short and curlies, took you long enough.”  Robards sat up, and his demeanor changed from one of relaxed conversation with his Aurors to one of authority.  “And get your feet off my desk, Weasley.  I am your boss, you know.”

I sat down quickly.  “Sorry, got lost.”

Harry smiled.  “We know.  I figured as much so we sent Scarlet to find you.”

“Maybe I should make her an Auror, missing persons department.  Godric knows how she finds anything in that office of yours, Potter.”  Robards leaned forward.  “Ok, no point in going over the basics, you know that already.  Here’s what’s going to happen.  We’re going to pile enough parchment on your desk that you could paper the entire Wimbourne Wasp pitch and have some left over, and you’re going to read it and give us your reports.  The Muggle Ops lot is all out in the field and, well, they’re more the get things done type, not the academic that you are.  Since you’re crap with a wand we’ve contacted some, um, experts another group to get you ready.  There’s a chance you might end up doing some field work, so it’s best that you’re prepared.”

 _What the fuck?_   “Um, sorry, sir, but field work?  Classes start the first week of September.”

“Sir?”  Robards chuckled and looked over to Ron.  “Pay attention, you could learn something.  Sir.  I like that.”  Robards turned back to me.  “All right, then, enough of the funny stuff.  This isn’t a game, Boyd.  You know first hand what the WLF and the other anti-Muggle groups are like.  Trust me, I remember your bachelor party quite well, and I hope you do, too.  The UMS is worried, and the Canadians are right behind them.  We want you to contact the other schools, a letter is fine, and see what you can find out.  Don’t come right out and say it, just ask for feedback on your textbook or something.  Establish a dialogue.  Depending on what we find out from them and their Aurors we’ll make a determination on whether we’re going into the field.  As for Hogwarts, Headmaster Titus and I have had a few conversations, and he’s lined up someone to step in if you have to leave.  I can’t tell you who it is, but trust me, you’ll be happy.”

 _A substitute?  Who the hell could that be_?  I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes.  “Sorry.  This is a lot to take in.”

Robards snorted.  “Figured you’d just roll with it, after all, you’re Professor Muggle.  Haven’t had the easiest go of it, have you?”

I thought about it for a moment, and he was right.  “That’s true.  Ok, so now what?”

“These two,” Robards pointed at Harry and Ron, “will walk you through things the rest of the day.  Go off with Potter first, he’ll get you the trainee auror kit, introduce you to your trainer and after that Weasley’s going to walk you through the rest of our files.  Other than that show up on time, do your work, don’t take any files home to work on, tell your wife the absolute minimum you can to stay married, take lunch when you want and payday’s on every other Friday.”

“Payday?”  I looked up at Robards, who was smiling at me apologetically.

“Quarter scale, you’re not full time and you wouldn’t pass the entrance exam.  Now you three get out of here before I dock someone’s pay.”  Robards took a look on his desk and shook his head.  “KENDRICK GET IN HERE!”

As I left with Ron and Harry a flustered witch walked past us, notepad in hand, shaking her head.  After she had closed the door I looked over to my two Auror friends.  “Is he always like that?”

Ron put his arm on my shoulder.  “Pretty much.  He likes to shout and act all full of piss and vinegar, but he’s a good guy.  Don’t let him fool you, though, there’s a reason he’s Head.  I’ll stop by your office and we’ll go to lunch, one sounds good.  See you then.”

 

-ooo-

 

When Harry and I went to get into the elevator something was wrong; Harry was able to walk in without a problem, but I bounced off of what must have been an invisible force field or something.  Harry stopped the doors from closing and stepped back out into the hallway.

“Where’s your badge?  Lift won’t let you on without it.”

I looked in my pockets.  “Crap, I must have left it at my desk.  Come on, let’s go get it.  Besides, I want to show you, they painted my office.”

As Harry and I got close to my office Edith stood up and handed me a piece of parchment, telling me what was on it as I was holding it in my hand.  “Equipment department at eleven, meeting with Agent Boot at noon on the practice range, lunch at one with Aurors Potter and Weasley and then two to four with Auror Weasley in your office.  The first of six boxes of files has just been delivered.”

As I stood there amazed Harry opened my door and let out a laugh, and then made a sound that resembled retching. 

“Hank, this is horrible.  The smell’s somewhat better, but that color…”

I joined him in the doorway.  “Yeah, Edith says it looks like the color of sick.”  I noticed a very large box on my desk.  “That’s the first of six?”

Harry clapped me on the shoulder.  “Welcome to the Ministry, Hank.”

After putting all of the Auror toys and clothing into a backpack and dropping it off with Edith, Harry and I took the lift down to the bottommost floor.  The hallway was dark and narrow, and after walking what seemed like a mile we took a sharp turn and went through a large door.  The room was long and narrow, and the first part of the room was divided into little cubicles.  I couldn’t figure it out for a moment, but then it hit me; I was at a firing range.  Harry and I watched a man with short dark hair, dressed in a Muggle suit and tie firing his wand at targets that moved back and forth across his path, and he seemed to take them out with ease, never missing a target.  When he was finished he put his wand in his pocket, looked at his watch and then to the entrance.  He walked over purposely, and when he arrived he stuck out his hand.

“Good to see you, Harry.”

Harry shook his hand.  “You too, Terry.  This is Hank Boyd, Professor Muggle.”

I extended my hand, and he shook it.  “We’ve met before, Professor.  Cho’s wedding.”

“Really?  Sorry, I met a lot of people that day and I had a little too much to drink.  Nice to meet you again.”

Harry nodded.  “Ok, Hank, I’ll leave you in good hands.  I’ll see you at lunch.  Get him ready, Terry.”

“Will do, Potter.”  Terry nodded and as soon as Harry had left Terry looked at me.  “I’ve read your file and Scamander’s filled me in, so I think we’ll just skip the wand instruction.”

 _Rolf?_   “Holy shit, are you an Invisible?”

Terry nodded.  “Worked Muggle Ops for years before joining, that’s why they asked me to train you.  Before we start, you grew up in America.  How familiar are you with firearms?”

“Guns?  Um, unless you count BB guns and the one time I went skeet shooting, not at all.  Why?”

“Follow me.”  When we arrived at one of the firing cubicles Terry reached into his jacket and pulled out a handgun.  He placed it on the table.  “If you have to go out in the field for all intents and purposes your wand actually is useless.  You’ve got to be able to protect yourself, field agents or civilians.  After two months you will be firearm certified.  Will be.  Today we’ll use my personal sidearm but tomorrow we’ll have a selection for you to try, find out which one will be easiest to master.  Robards must think something big is going to happen, because he had to call in a favor from Scamander to get me in here.  You won’t be an Auror or an Invisible, but I will not have you be a liability.”

 

-ooo-

 

That evening when I arrived at Colony House I realized that I had missed supper.  As I expected Melody was waiting for me at the kitchen table, reading and drinking a cup of tea.  She seemed angry when she looked at me initially, but I guess the look of shock on my face must have changed her attitude.

“Hank!  What happened?  Is everything all right?”

“Where’s Lavinia?”

“At Ruby’s, it’s just us.  Sit down and tell me what happened.”  Her tone was worried.  “Henry, what’s wrong?”

I took a big, deep breath.  Robards said to only tell Melody what was necessary to stay married, and I knew what that meant.  I had to tell Melody everything.


End file.
